Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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