I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
