you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
