This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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