Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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