Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
