It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
