just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
