and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
