My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
They took my balls.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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