Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
