I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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