o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
