if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
