Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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