i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
