I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
