I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
