Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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