I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
