She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
