to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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