Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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