At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
