Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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