remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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