Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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