maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
