If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
