Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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