I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
