just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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