does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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