I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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