I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
