how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
