Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
