So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
