i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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