Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
