I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
