If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
