she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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