He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
