I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
we're so committed to being not committed
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