The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
should my penis look like a turkey
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
