Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize