Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am spending my child support on dildos
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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