Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
