i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
