When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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