i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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