My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
