I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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