those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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