I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
