The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
