i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
