You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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