I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
