that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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