So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
pop tarts are not kleenex
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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